1 00:00:24,760 --> 00:00:26,826 (POP MUSIC PLAYING) 2 00:02:28,082 --> 00:02:32,050 (SONG PLAYING IN HINDI) 3 00:02:45,533 --> 00:02:47,099 (WIND WHOOSHING) 4 00:03:02,217 --> 00:03:04,884 Kinda lonesome back here. 5 00:03:04,885 --> 00:03:07,653 (MUMBLING) (GRUNTS) Yeah, little help. 6 00:03:07,656 --> 00:03:12,592 Okay, um, just, I have to keep my hands on the wheel. 7 00:03:12,593 --> 00:03:13,793 (CONTINUES GRUNTING) 8 00:03:13,794 --> 00:03:16,028 Excuse me. Whoo! 9 00:03:16,031 --> 00:03:17,864 (CHUCKLES) Ah, Dopinder. 10 00:03:17,865 --> 00:03:19,932 Pool. Dead. 11 00:03:21,203 --> 00:03:22,669 Hmm, nice. 12 00:03:23,704 --> 00:03:24,837 DOPINDER: Smells good, no? 13 00:03:24,840 --> 00:03:26,872 Not the Daffodil Daydream. The girl. 14 00:03:26,875 --> 00:03:28,875 Ah, yes. Gita. 15 00:03:28,877 --> 00:03:30,810 Hmm. She is quite lovely. 16 00:03:30,812 --> 00:03:33,146 She would have made me a very agreeable wife. 17 00:03:33,147 --> 00:03:35,215 But, um... 18 00:03:35,216 --> 00:03:38,985 Gita's heart has been stolen by my cousin Bandhu. 19 00:03:38,986 --> 00:03:42,722 He is as dishonorable as he is attractive. 20 00:03:43,925 --> 00:03:45,891 Dopinder, I'm starting to think 21 00:03:45,894 --> 00:03:47,826 there's a reason I'm in this cab today. 22 00:03:47,829 --> 00:03:49,562 Yeah, sir, you called for it, remember? 23 00:03:49,563 --> 00:03:54,567 No, my slender brown friend. Love is a beautiful thing. 24 00:03:54,569 --> 00:03:55,968 When you find it, the whole world 25 00:03:55,971 --> 00:03:57,236 tastes like Daffodil Daydream. 26 00:03:57,239 --> 00:03:58,570 (DOPINDER GRUNTS) 27 00:03:58,573 --> 00:04:00,673 So you gotta hold onto love... 28 00:04:00,675 --> 00:04:01,974 ...tight! Ah. 29 00:04:01,977 --> 00:04:03,509 And never let go. 30 00:04:03,512 --> 00:04:04,978 Don't make the same mistakes I did. 31 00:04:04,979 --> 00:04:07,747 Got it? Yeah. 32 00:04:07,748 --> 00:04:10,516 Or else the whole world tastes like Mama June after hot yoga. 33 00:04:10,519 --> 00:04:12,852 (STUTTERS) Sir, what does Miss Mama June taste like? 34 00:04:12,853 --> 00:04:15,854 Like two hobos fucking in a shoe filled with piss. Okay, enough. 35 00:04:15,856 --> 00:04:18,790 I can go all day, Dopinder. The point is, it's bad! 36 00:04:18,793 --> 00:04:20,894 Hmm, it's bad. 37 00:04:20,896 --> 00:04:23,730 Uh, why the fancy red suit, Mr. Pool? 38 00:04:23,731 --> 00:04:25,831 Oh, that's because it's Christmas Day, Dopinder. 39 00:04:25,834 --> 00:04:28,268 And I'm after someone on my naughty list. 40 00:04:28,269 --> 00:04:29,968 I've been waiting one year, three weeks... 41 00:04:29,971 --> 00:04:31,937 six days and, oh... 42 00:04:31,939 --> 00:04:34,274 14 minutes to make him fix what he did to me. 43 00:04:35,911 --> 00:04:38,211 And what did he do to you, Mr. Pool? 44 00:04:38,213 --> 00:04:39,745 This shit... 45 00:04:40,882 --> 00:04:41,947 Boo! 46 00:04:43,752 --> 00:04:45,084 (CHOPPER BLADES WHIRRING) 47 00:05:00,569 --> 00:05:01,867 (SIGHS) 48 00:05:02,803 --> 00:05:03,970 They won't disappoint. 49 00:05:04,639 --> 00:05:06,305 They'd better not. 50 00:05:06,307 --> 00:05:08,875 And what about next month's shipment? 51 00:05:08,877 --> 00:05:10,610 There won't be one. 52 00:05:10,612 --> 00:05:12,252 You're not the only one with a war to win. 53 00:05:13,314 --> 00:05:14,880 That won't do. 54 00:05:17,786 --> 00:05:20,286 See, we've had this small disruption 55 00:05:20,288 --> 00:05:21,754 to our supply chain... 56 00:05:22,156 --> 00:05:23,255 (CHOKING) 57 00:05:25,360 --> 00:05:27,793 We'd appreciate your patience. 58 00:05:30,165 --> 00:05:31,764 (GRUNTS) Okay. 59 00:05:31,766 --> 00:05:34,233 We'll deliver in full the following month. 60 00:05:34,235 --> 00:05:36,235 (GASPING) 61 00:05:37,738 --> 00:05:39,019 Pleasure doing business with you. 62 00:05:42,744 --> 00:05:44,610 Fucking mutant. 63 00:05:45,613 --> 00:05:47,613 (ENGINES ROARING) 64 00:05:54,355 --> 00:05:56,021 Oh, shit! 65 00:05:56,024 --> 00:05:57,824 I forgot my ammo bag. 66 00:05:57,826 --> 00:05:58,992 Shall we turn back? 67 00:05:58,994 --> 00:06:00,360 No, no time. 68 00:06:00,362 --> 00:06:02,060 Fuck it. I got this. 69 00:06:02,062 --> 00:06:05,365 9, 10, 11, 12 bullets, or bust. 70 00:06:05,367 --> 00:06:06,699 Right here! (GRUNTS) 71 00:06:06,701 --> 00:06:08,367 (TIRES SCREECHING) 72 00:06:08,370 --> 00:06:11,069 That's, uh, $27.50. 73 00:06:11,072 --> 00:06:12,872 I... I never carry a wallet when I'm working. 74 00:06:12,874 --> 00:06:14,740 Ruins the lines of my suit. 75 00:06:14,742 --> 00:06:15,875 Oh. But, uh, 76 00:06:15,877 --> 00:06:17,209 how about a crisp high five? 77 00:06:17,211 --> 00:06:18,343 Okay. 78 00:06:18,346 --> 00:06:21,014 Merry Christmas. 79 00:06:21,016 --> 00:06:24,149 And a convivial Tuesday in April to you too, Pool! 80 00:06:24,151 --> 00:06:27,720 ♪ Hey, yeah I wanna shoop, baby 81 00:06:27,721 --> 00:06:30,689 00:06:59,101 And let me tell you, 95 00:06:59,103 --> 00:07:01,954 he's got a nice pair of smooth criminals down under. 96 00:07:01,956 --> 00:07:06,125 Anyway, I got places to be, a face to fix and, oh... 97 00:07:06,127 --> 00:07:08,927 Bad guys to kill. 98 00:07:08,930 --> 00:07:10,697 (POP MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO) 99 00:07:14,201 --> 00:07:15,268 Maximum effort. 100 00:07:19,274 --> 00:07:20,372 (GROANS) 101 00:07:22,744 --> 00:07:23,942 (GRUNTING) 102 00:07:25,312 --> 00:07:26,379 WADE: Cock shot. 103 00:07:28,817 --> 00:07:30,082 (SCREAMING) 104 00:07:31,319 --> 00:07:32,418 00:08:07,319 (SCREAMS) 116 00:08:07,322 --> 00:08:08,887 (MAN GROANING) (CAR ACCELERATING) 117 00:08:10,959 --> 00:08:12,024 (GRUNTING) 118 00:08:15,163 --> 00:08:16,795 (TIRES SCREECHING) 119 00:08:19,367 --> 00:08:20,432 (CONTINUES GRUNTING) 120 00:08:22,302 --> 00:08:23,369 (SCREAMING) 121 00:08:24,773 --> 00:08:26,473 (MUFFLED SCREAMING) 122 00:08:26,473 --> 00:08:28,274 WADE: I've never said this, but don't swallow. 123 00:08:29,843 --> 00:08:30,910 (MAN GROANING) 124 00:08:31,478 --> 00:08:32,544 (GUN COCKS) 125 00:08:36,884 --> 00:08:38,116 (GRUNTS) 126 00:08:49,397 --> 00:08:51,496 Shit. 127 00:08:51,499 --> 00:08:53,566 Did I leave the stove on? 128 00:08:59,274 --> 00:09:00,339 (THUDS) 129 00:09:03,344 --> 00:09:05,812 (TIRES SCREECHING) 130 00:09:11,085 --> 00:09:12,884 REPORTER: Now, breaking news. 131 00:09:12,886 --> 00:09:14,953 A multi-car collision turned shots fired 132 00:09:14,956 --> 00:09:16,855 on the crosstown expressway this morning. 133 00:09:16,857 --> 00:09:19,091 Gridlock has kept police from the scene. 134 00:09:19,092 --> 00:09:21,561 Residents are advised to remain in their homes. 135 00:09:21,562 --> 00:09:23,229 The assailant appears to be armed, 136 00:09:23,230 --> 00:09:24,831 dangerous, and wearing... 137 00:09:24,832 --> 00:09:26,264 a red suit. A red suit. 138 00:09:26,934 --> 00:09:28,167 Deadpool. 139 00:09:28,168 --> 00:09:31,837 Negasonic! Come, we have mission. 140 00:09:31,840 --> 00:09:34,273 NEGASONIC TEENAGE WARHEAD: Colossus, wait up. 141 00:09:34,274 --> 00:09:37,610 I've given Deadpool every chance to join us... 142 00:09:37,611 --> 00:09:39,979 but he'd rather act like a child. 143 00:09:39,980 --> 00:09:42,347 A heavily-armed child. 144 00:09:42,350 --> 00:09:46,251 When will he grow up and see benefits of becoming X-Man? 145 00:09:46,254 --> 00:09:48,386 Which benefits? The matching unitards? 146 00:09:48,389 --> 00:09:50,288 The house that blows up every few years? 147 00:09:50,290 --> 00:09:51,389 Please. 148 00:09:51,392 --> 00:09:54,293 House blowing up builds character. 149 00:09:54,294 --> 00:09:56,229 You ate breakfast, yes? 150 00:09:56,230 --> 00:09:59,365 Breakfast is most important meal of day. 151 00:09:59,366 --> 00:10:03,635 Here, protein bar. Good for bones. 152 00:10:03,638 --> 00:10:06,304 Deadpool may try to break yours. 153 00:10:06,307 --> 00:10:07,907 (JET ENGINE ROARING) 154 00:10:13,548 --> 00:10:14,647 (PEOPLE CLAMORING) 155 00:10:14,649 --> 00:10:16,115 MAN: Get out of the way! 156 00:10:16,116 --> 00:10:17,476 (INDISTINCT SHOUTING AND SCREAMING) 157 00:10:33,400 --> 00:10:35,033 WADE: Hey! Whoo! (GUNS FIRING) 158 00:10:35,036 --> 00:10:36,335 (WOMAN SCREAMS) 159 00:10:46,114 --> 00:10:47,613 WADE: Wait! 160 00:10:47,615 --> 00:10:49,915 You may be wondering, "Why the red suit?" 161 00:10:49,918 --> 00:10:51,951 Well, that's so bad guys can't see me bleed. 162 00:10:52,986 --> 00:10:54,419 This guy's got the right idea. 163 00:10:54,422 --> 00:10:55,955 He wore the brown pants. 164 00:10:56,456 --> 00:10:57,657 (GUN FIRING) 165 00:10:57,658 --> 00:11:00,025 Fine! I only have 12 bullets... 166 00:11:00,028 --> 00:11:01,594 so you're gonna have to share! 167 00:11:01,596 --> 00:11:03,495 Let's count them down. 168 00:11:04,399 --> 00:11:05,464 00:12:07,493 (GUN CLICKING) 187 00:12:07,494 --> 00:12:08,933 Someone's not counting. Six. (GROANS) 188 00:12:18,673 --> 00:12:19,739 (GUN FIRING) 189 00:12:20,774 --> 00:12:22,541 (EXPLODING) 190 00:12:25,580 --> 00:12:28,413 (SPEAKING SPANISH) 191 00:12:28,416 --> 00:12:30,015 (MACHINE GUN FIRING) Oh! 192 00:12:35,322 --> 00:12:37,255 (GROANS) Four... 193 00:12:37,258 --> 00:12:38,323 (GUN FIRES) (GROANS) 194 00:12:38,759 --> 00:12:40,158 Gotcha. 195 00:12:40,161 --> 00:12:41,594 00:13:38,084 You're not Francis. 213 00:13:45,860 --> 00:13:48,461 Really? Rolling up the sleeves? 214 00:13:53,701 --> 00:13:54,834 (GROANS) 215 00:13:58,706 --> 00:14:00,272 WADE: You're probably thinking, 216 00:14:00,274 --> 00:14:02,207 "My boyfriend said this was a superhero movie... 217 00:14:02,210 --> 00:14:03,676 "but that guy in the red suit just turned 218 00:14:03,677 --> 00:14:06,211 "that other guy into a fucking kabab!" 219 00:14:06,214 --> 00:14:10,783 Well, I may be super, but I'm no hero. 220 00:14:10,784 --> 00:14:13,152 And yeah, technically, this is a murder. 221 00:14:13,153 --> 00:14:15,421 But some of the best love stories start with a murder. 222 00:14:15,423 --> 00:14:18,490 And that's exactly what this is, a love story. 223 00:14:18,493 --> 00:14:19,859 And to tell it right... 224 00:14:19,860 --> 00:14:22,260 I gotta take you back to long before 225 00:14:22,263 --> 00:14:25,697 I squeezed this ass into red spandex. 226 00:14:25,700 --> 00:14:28,433 MERCHANT: Look, would it help if I slow it down for you? 227 00:14:28,436 --> 00:14:30,802 I didn't order the pizza. 228 00:14:30,804 --> 00:14:34,740 Is this 7348 Red Ledge Drive? Are you Mr. Merchant? 229 00:14:34,741 --> 00:14:38,244 Yeah, the Mr. Merchant who didn't order the fucking pie! 230 00:14:38,245 --> 00:14:39,411 Then who placed the call? 231 00:14:39,846 --> 00:14:41,379 WADE: I did! 232 00:14:41,381 --> 00:14:42,681 (TOILET FLUSHING) 233 00:14:43,551 --> 00:14:45,484 Pineapple and olive? 234 00:14:45,485 --> 00:14:48,453 Sweet and salty. 235 00:14:48,456 --> 00:14:49,621 The fuck are you? 236 00:14:49,624 --> 00:14:51,624 The fuck you doing in my crib... 237 00:14:51,625 --> 00:14:52,790 Is it burnt crust? 238 00:14:52,793 --> 00:14:54,726 I... God, I hope not. Um... 239 00:14:54,729 --> 00:14:56,662 Whoa... Man, look, if this is about that poker game. 240 00:14:56,663 --> 00:14:58,931 I told Howie, I told him that... 241 00:14:58,932 --> 00:15:02,934 Okay, uh, look, just take whatever you want. 242 00:15:02,937 --> 00:15:05,171 Thanks. 243 00:15:05,173 --> 00:15:06,471 Sir, before you do anything to him, 244 00:15:06,474 --> 00:15:08,206 do you mind if I get a big tip? 245 00:15:08,208 --> 00:15:10,942 (CHUCKLES) Uh, Jeremy, is it? 246 00:15:10,945 --> 00:15:12,577 Umm-hmm. Wade. Wade Wilson. 247 00:15:13,648 --> 00:15:16,682 That is a no go on the tiperoo, Jer. 248 00:15:16,683 --> 00:15:18,551 I'm not here for him. 249 00:15:18,552 --> 00:15:20,286 I'm here for you. 250 00:15:20,288 --> 00:15:21,820 Oh. (CHUCKLES) 251 00:15:21,822 --> 00:15:23,588 Okay, wow, dodged a big-time bullet on that one. 252 00:15:23,591 --> 00:15:26,292 Not out of the woods yet. (GROANS) 253 00:15:26,293 --> 00:15:28,626 You need to seriously ease up on the bedazzling. 254 00:15:28,629 --> 00:15:30,629 They're jeans, not a chandelier. 255 00:15:30,630 --> 00:15:32,865 P.S. I'm keeping your wallet. You did kinda give it to me. 256 00:15:32,866 --> 00:15:34,767 Okay, just look, man, can I have my Sam's card... 257 00:15:34,769 --> 00:15:37,836 I will shoot your fucking cat! 258 00:15:37,837 --> 00:15:40,639 I don't really know what that means. I don't have a cat. 259 00:15:40,640 --> 00:15:42,508 Then whose kitty litter did I just shit in? 260 00:15:46,547 --> 00:15:48,713 Anyhoo, tell me something... 261 00:15:48,716 --> 00:15:52,551 what situation isn't improved by pizza? 262 00:15:52,552 --> 00:15:54,852 Do you happen to know a Meghan Orflosky? 263 00:15:54,855 --> 00:15:56,588 Getting that right? Orflosky? 264 00:15:56,591 --> 00:15:58,890 Orlovsky? Yeah? Good. 265 00:16:00,227 --> 00:16:01,493 Because she knows you. 266 00:16:01,495 --> 00:16:03,729 Jeremy, I belong to a group of guys 267 00:16:03,730 --> 00:16:05,864 who take a dime to beat a fella down. 268 00:16:05,865 --> 00:16:07,432 And little Meghan, she's not made of money, 269 00:16:07,434 --> 00:16:08,734 but lucky for her... 270 00:16:08,735 --> 00:16:10,769 I got a soft spot. 271 00:16:10,770 --> 00:16:13,272 But I'm a... A stalker. 272 00:16:13,274 --> 00:16:14,740 Threats hurt, Jer. 273 00:16:14,741 --> 00:16:18,409 Though not nearly as badly as serrated steel. 274 00:16:18,412 --> 00:16:21,513 So keep away from Meghan. 275 00:16:21,514 --> 00:16:22,581 Cool? 276 00:16:22,582 --> 00:16:23,749 Yes, sir. 277 00:16:23,750 --> 00:16:25,250 Then we're done. 278 00:16:25,253 --> 00:16:27,352 Wait. (CHUCKLES SLOWLY) We are? 279 00:16:27,355 --> 00:16:29,621 Yeah. We're totally done. (LAUGHS) 280 00:16:29,624 --> 00:16:31,256 You should've seen your face. 281 00:16:31,259 --> 00:16:32,691 I didn't know what to do. I was so scared. 282 00:16:32,692 --> 00:16:33,826 Soft spot, remember? 283 00:16:33,827 --> 00:16:35,360 (WHIMPERS) 284 00:16:35,363 --> 00:16:37,462 You even look in her general direction again... 285 00:16:37,465 --> 00:16:38,963 and you will learn in the worst of ways 286 00:16:38,966 --> 00:16:41,299 that I have some hard spots too. 287 00:16:43,037 --> 00:16:44,602 That came out wrong. 288 00:16:45,639 --> 00:16:46,871 Or did it? 289 00:16:47,741 --> 00:16:48,774 (WHIMPERING) 290 00:16:48,775 --> 00:16:50,542 (INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS) 291 00:16:50,543 --> 00:16:52,278 (ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) 292 00:16:52,279 --> 00:16:53,645 (WOMAN LAUGHING) 293 00:16:59,519 --> 00:17:01,019 Mmm... Meghan? 294 00:17:04,291 --> 00:17:06,011 You've heard the last of Jeremy. He's sorry. 295 00:17:06,527 --> 00:17:08,460 No friggin' way. 296 00:17:13,300 --> 00:17:14,432 Should've brought my roller blades. 297 00:17:14,434 --> 00:17:15,867 Show these kids how it's done. 298 00:17:15,869 --> 00:17:19,471 Oh. And that's why we do it. But mostly the money. 299 00:17:19,472 --> 00:17:21,440 Hey, think you could fuck up my step-dad? 300 00:17:21,442 --> 00:17:22,941 I give a guy a pavement facial, 301 00:17:22,942 --> 00:17:24,063 it's because he's earned it. 302 00:17:24,679 --> 00:17:25,978 Hey, wait! 303 00:17:27,647 --> 00:17:28,913 You're my hero. 304 00:17:28,915 --> 00:17:31,583 No-no-no-no. That I ain't! 305 00:17:33,086 --> 00:17:35,688 WADE: Nope. Never will be. 306 00:17:35,690 --> 00:17:37,690 Oh. Fuck you, Wade. 307 00:17:37,692 --> 00:17:41,359 I'm just a bad guy who gets paid to fuck up worse guys. 308 00:17:42,596 --> 00:17:44,563 Welcome to Sister Margaret's. 309 00:17:44,565 --> 00:17:47,532 It's like a job fair for mercenaries. 310 00:17:47,535 --> 00:17:49,468 Think of us as really fucked up tooth fairies... 311 00:17:49,470 --> 00:17:52,037 except we knock out the teeth and take the cash. 312 00:17:52,038 --> 00:17:55,106 You'd best hope we never see your name on a gold card. 313 00:17:55,108 --> 00:17:57,476 Buck! Liefeld... 314 00:17:57,478 --> 00:17:58,743 BUCK: Hey, Wade! 315 00:17:58,746 --> 00:17:59,978 Wade Wilson, patron saint of the pitiful. 316 00:17:59,980 --> 00:18:01,846 What can I do for you? 317 00:18:01,848 --> 00:18:03,481 I'd love a Blow Job. 318 00:18:03,483 --> 00:18:04,682 Oh, God, me too. 319 00:18:04,684 --> 00:18:06,818 The drink, moose knuckle. But first... 320 00:18:08,489 --> 00:18:10,521 Hey, and I ain't taking any babysitting money, all right? 321 00:18:10,523 --> 00:18:12,090 Make sure that gets back to Ms... 322 00:18:12,093 --> 00:18:13,392 Orlovsky. 323 00:18:13,394 --> 00:18:14,460 Yeah, her. 324 00:18:14,461 --> 00:18:15,894 You sure? Hmm. 325 00:18:15,895 --> 00:18:18,463 You know, for a merc, you're pretty warm-blooded. 326 00:18:18,465 --> 00:18:20,432 I bet you let the kid off easy, too. 327 00:18:20,433 --> 00:18:22,401 Oh, he's not a bad kid, Weas. 328 00:18:22,403 --> 00:18:23,634 Just a little light stalking. 329 00:18:23,636 --> 00:18:25,371 I was way worse than him when I was his age. 330 00:18:25,373 --> 00:18:27,005 I was traveling to exotic places... 331 00:18:27,007 --> 00:18:29,775 Baghdad, Mogadishu, Jacksonville, 332 00:18:29,777 --> 00:18:31,676 meeting new and exciting people. And then, uh... 333 00:18:31,679 --> 00:18:33,878 Killing them. Yeah, I've seen your Instagram. 334 00:18:33,881 --> 00:18:36,414 So what was Special Forces doing in Jacksonville, anyway? 335 00:18:36,416 --> 00:18:37,915 That's classified. 336 00:18:37,917 --> 00:18:40,152 (WHISPERS) They have a wonderful TGI Fridays. 337 00:18:40,153 --> 00:18:42,653 All right, Kahlua, Baileys and... 338 00:18:42,655 --> 00:18:43,922 whipped cream. 339 00:18:43,923 --> 00:18:46,557 I give you a Blow Job. 340 00:18:46,559 --> 00:18:47,925 Why do you make me make that? 341 00:18:47,927 --> 00:18:49,795 Kelly, Kelly, Kelly... 342 00:18:49,797 --> 00:18:51,396 Take that over to Buck please, 343 00:18:51,398 --> 00:18:53,164 and tell him it's from Boothe. Little foreplay. 344 00:18:53,166 --> 00:18:55,634 Remind me what good will come of this? 345 00:18:55,635 --> 00:18:57,702 I don't take the shits. I just disturb them. 346 00:18:57,704 --> 00:18:59,003 BUCK: Boothe! Oh! 347 00:18:59,006 --> 00:19:00,405 Easy, man. Hold up! Hold up! 348 00:19:00,407 --> 00:19:01,472 What you want? 349 00:19:01,474 --> 00:19:02,673 (GRUNTS) (ALL EXCLAIMING) 350 00:19:04,077 --> 00:19:06,878 Cheers. To your health. WEASEL: Fuck you. 351 00:19:06,881 --> 00:19:09,047 BOOTHE: Come here, you fat fuck! 352 00:19:09,048 --> 00:19:10,749 That's a new stool. 353 00:19:10,750 --> 00:19:11,983 (ALL CLAMORING) 354 00:19:15,522 --> 00:19:16,954 BUCK: Stay the fuck down. 355 00:19:16,957 --> 00:19:18,490 (GROANS) 356 00:19:19,626 --> 00:19:21,426 MAN: Whoa! Took his ass out! 357 00:19:21,429 --> 00:19:23,095 WEASEL: All right, move. Move, move, move. 358 00:19:23,096 --> 00:19:24,462 Buck, go rest. 359 00:19:25,699 --> 00:19:27,058 MAN: Boothe got hit then went down. 360 00:19:30,738 --> 00:19:33,471 Yeah, he's still breathing. 361 00:19:33,473 --> 00:19:34,605 (ALL EXCLAIMING) 362 00:19:36,009 --> 00:19:37,643 Nobody wins today. 363 00:19:37,644 --> 00:19:39,444 Nice try, Wade. 364 00:19:39,447 --> 00:19:41,579 You got me. I picked Boothe in the dead pool. 365 00:19:41,582 --> 00:19:42,948 Who did you pick? 366 00:19:42,950 --> 00:19:45,150 Yeah, Wade, about that, um... 367 00:19:45,152 --> 00:19:46,684 No. 368 00:19:46,686 --> 00:19:48,619 You did not bet on me to die. 369 00:19:51,991 --> 00:19:53,592 You bet on me to die. Wow! 370 00:19:53,594 --> 00:19:55,461 Motherfucker, you're the world's worst friend. 371 00:19:55,462 --> 00:19:57,695 Well, joke's on you. I'm living to 102. 372 00:19:57,698 --> 00:19:59,832 And then dying. Like the city of Detroit. 373 00:19:59,834 --> 00:20:02,835 I'm sorry. I just... I wanted to win money. 374 00:20:02,836 --> 00:20:04,135 I never win anything. 375 00:20:04,137 --> 00:20:05,237 Whatever. 376 00:20:05,239 --> 00:20:06,971 Soldiers of fortune, drinks on me! 377 00:20:07,740 --> 00:20:09,474 (ALL CHEERING) 378 00:20:09,477 --> 00:20:11,242 Domestic, nothing imported. 379 00:20:14,013 --> 00:20:15,646 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa... 380 00:20:15,648 --> 00:20:19,218 Baby, are you sure you wanna shoot your whole wad? 381 00:20:19,752 --> 00:20:22,621 Uh... Tight. 382 00:20:24,090 --> 00:20:26,525 Vanessa. Wade. 383 00:20:26,527 --> 00:20:28,727 What's a nice place like you doing in a girl like this? 384 00:20:29,963 --> 00:20:31,230 I'd hit that. 385 00:20:32,599 --> 00:20:34,500 Buck, you best apologize before... 386 00:20:34,501 --> 00:20:36,902 (GASPS) Yeah, that. 387 00:20:36,903 --> 00:20:38,670 Say the magic words, Fat Gandalf. 388 00:20:38,672 --> 00:20:40,506 I'm sorry. Breathe through the nose. 389 00:20:40,508 --> 00:20:42,773 I don't have a filter between my brain and my... 390 00:20:42,776 --> 00:20:44,776 Let go. Okay. Hey, oh, oh, oh... 391 00:20:44,778 --> 00:20:45,877 Hakuna his tatas. He's sorry. 392 00:20:45,880 --> 00:20:47,211 I'm working on it. 393 00:20:47,213 --> 00:20:49,847 Get out of here. Go. Go cast a spell. 394 00:20:49,849 --> 00:20:52,250 Hey. Hands off the merchandise. 395 00:20:53,820 --> 00:20:55,253 Merchandise? Huh... 396 00:20:55,256 --> 00:20:57,855 So you, uh... 397 00:20:57,857 --> 00:20:59,223 bump fuzzies for money? 398 00:20:59,226 --> 00:21:01,292 Yep. Rough childhood? 399 00:21:01,295 --> 00:21:02,560 Rougher than yours. 400 00:21:02,563 --> 00:21:04,730 Daddy left before I was born. 401 00:21:04,731 --> 00:21:06,230 Daddy left before I was conceived. 402 00:21:07,535 --> 00:21:09,101 Ever had a cigarette put out on your skin? 403 00:21:09,103 --> 00:21:10,602 Where else do you put one out? 404 00:21:10,604 --> 00:21:11,869 I was molested. 405 00:21:11,872 --> 00:21:13,672 Me too. Uncle. 406 00:21:13,673 --> 00:21:16,141 Uncles. They took turns. 407 00:21:16,143 --> 00:21:17,675 I watched my own birthday party 408 00:21:17,678 --> 00:21:18,876 through the keyhole of a locked closet... 409 00:21:18,878 --> 00:21:20,278 which also happens to be my... 410 00:21:20,280 --> 00:21:23,147 Your bedroom. Lucky. I slept in a dishwasher box. 411 00:21:23,150 --> 00:21:25,750 (GASPS) You had a dishwasher. 412 00:21:25,752 --> 00:21:26,852 I didn't even know sleep. 413 00:21:26,854 --> 00:21:28,787 It was pretty much 24/7 ball gags, 414 00:21:28,788 --> 00:21:30,255 brownie mix and clown porn. 415 00:21:30,257 --> 00:21:31,722 (LAUGHS) 416 00:21:34,161 --> 00:21:35,626 Who would do such a thing? 417 00:21:37,096 --> 00:21:40,731 Hopefully you, later tonight? 418 00:21:43,336 --> 00:21:48,339 Hey, what can I get for, uh, $275 and a... 419 00:21:49,643 --> 00:21:51,242 a Yogurtland rewards card? 420 00:21:51,244 --> 00:21:54,011 Baby, about 48 minutes of whatever the fuck you want. 421 00:21:55,316 --> 00:21:57,182 And a low-fat dessert. 422 00:22:04,124 --> 00:22:06,625 Did she just put a gift card in your mouth? 423 00:22:07,795 --> 00:22:09,928 It's time to put balls in holes. 424 00:22:10,897 --> 00:22:12,597 You said whatever I want. 425 00:22:13,099 --> 00:22:14,599 I get it. 426 00:22:14,602 --> 00:22:16,101 You love skee ball. 427 00:22:16,103 --> 00:22:18,369 Apparently more than you love vagina. 428 00:22:18,372 --> 00:22:20,838 That's a tough call. (SCOFFS) 429 00:22:20,840 --> 00:22:23,107 (STUTTERS) I just wanna get to know the real you, you know. 430 00:22:23,109 --> 00:22:25,109 Not the short-shorted, two-dimensional 431 00:22:25,112 --> 00:22:27,078 sex object peddled by Hollywood. 432 00:22:27,080 --> 00:22:28,145 VANESSA: Balls in holes. 433 00:22:28,147 --> 00:22:29,213 (HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING) 434 00:22:29,215 --> 00:22:30,281 Balls in holes. 435 00:22:30,284 --> 00:22:31,916 Prepare to lose tragically. 436 00:22:31,919 --> 00:22:33,050 Bring it, big man. 437 00:22:33,052 --> 00:22:34,118 Okay. 438 00:22:36,390 --> 00:22:37,756 (MOCKING SCOOBY-DOO) Uh-oh. 439 00:22:38,157 --> 00:22:39,223 Uh-oh. 440 00:22:40,326 --> 00:22:41,926 The limited edition 441 00:22:41,929 --> 00:22:45,197 Voltron: Defender of the Universe ring, por favor. 442 00:22:45,199 --> 00:22:48,767 Okay. Here we go. 443 00:22:48,769 --> 00:22:50,902 Had my eye on this sucker for a while. 444 00:22:50,903 --> 00:22:52,837 And I will take the pencil eraser. 445 00:22:52,839 --> 00:22:54,239 BOY: Okay. 446 00:22:54,240 --> 00:22:57,142 You are now the protector of the planet Arus. 447 00:22:57,144 --> 00:22:59,144 And you can erase stuff... 448 00:22:59,145 --> 00:23:00,912 written in pencil. 449 00:23:00,913 --> 00:23:02,279 M'lady? 450 00:23:02,281 --> 00:23:03,749 Well, I hate to break it to you... 451 00:23:03,750 --> 00:23:06,018 but your 48 minutes are up. 452 00:23:06,019 --> 00:23:08,920 Hey, how many more minutes can I get for this? 453 00:23:08,922 --> 00:23:11,355 FYI, five mini lion-bots come together 454 00:23:11,357 --> 00:23:13,791 to form one super-bot, so... 455 00:23:13,794 --> 00:23:16,894 Five mini lion-bots? Three minutes. 456 00:23:16,896 --> 00:23:18,564 Deal. 457 00:23:18,565 --> 00:23:20,805 What do we do with the remaining two minutes, 37 seconds? 458 00:23:21,035 --> 00:23:22,099 Cuddle? 459 00:23:22,702 --> 00:23:24,201 (MOANING) 460 00:23:24,203 --> 00:23:26,337 00:29:31,635 Wade fucking Wilson. 590 00:29:34,173 --> 00:29:36,324 FRANCIS: Well, hello, gorgeous. 591 00:29:36,325 --> 00:29:38,474 WADE: Yeah, like I got bit by a radioactive Shar-Pei. 592 00:29:38,478 --> 00:29:41,679 Yeah. And whose fault is that, huh, Francis? 593 00:29:41,681 --> 00:29:43,714 Yeah, time to undo what you did to this butterface. 594 00:29:43,717 --> 00:29:45,549 Please, you should thank me. 595 00:29:45,551 --> 00:29:47,184 Apparently, I made you immortal. 596 00:29:47,186 --> 00:29:48,720 I'm actually quite jealous. 597 00:29:48,721 --> 00:29:51,221 Yeah, but this ain't a life worth living, is it? 598 00:29:53,192 --> 00:29:54,826 Now, I'm about to do to you 599 00:29:54,827 --> 00:29:57,362 what Limp Bizkit did to music in the late 90s. 600 00:29:57,364 --> 00:29:58,496 (METAL CLANKS) 601 00:29:59,432 --> 00:30:00,498 Dad? 602 00:30:03,836 --> 00:30:06,604 WADE: I think we can all agree that shit just went sideways 603 00:30:06,605 --> 00:30:08,539 in the most colossal way. 604 00:30:09,509 --> 00:30:12,076 Well, maybe not the most. 605 00:30:12,078 --> 00:30:15,779 WADE: Uh... This is my most prized possession. 606 00:30:16,348 --> 00:30:17,449 VANESSA: Wham? 607 00:30:17,451 --> 00:30:19,717 No, no, no. Wham! 608 00:30:19,719 --> 00:30:23,320 Make It Big is the album that George and Andy earned the exclamation point. 609 00:30:24,324 --> 00:30:25,856 So, am I supposed to just smile 610 00:30:25,858 --> 00:30:27,325 and wave you out the door? 611 00:30:27,326 --> 00:30:28,726 Think of it like spring cleaning. 612 00:30:28,728 --> 00:30:30,260 Only if spring was death. 613 00:30:30,262 --> 00:30:32,630 God, if I had a nickel for every time 614 00:30:32,632 --> 00:30:35,232 I spanked it to Bernadette Peters. 615 00:30:35,234 --> 00:30:37,469 Sounds like you do. (COINS JINGLING) 616 00:30:37,471 --> 00:30:39,403 Bernadette is not going anywhere, 617 00:30:39,405 --> 00:30:41,405 because you're not going anywhere. 618 00:30:41,407 --> 00:30:42,707 Drink. 619 00:30:42,709 --> 00:30:44,108 You're right. Cancer is only in my liver, 620 00:30:44,111 --> 00:30:45,410 lungs, prostate, and brain. 621 00:30:45,412 --> 00:30:46,644 All things I can live without. 622 00:30:47,747 --> 00:30:48,846 Ha. 623 00:30:48,848 --> 00:30:50,882 You belong here at home. 624 00:30:50,884 --> 00:30:52,517 Surrounded by your Voltron 625 00:30:52,519 --> 00:30:54,652 and your Bernadette, and your me. 626 00:30:55,855 --> 00:30:59,490 Listen, we both know that cancer is a shit-show. 627 00:31:01,161 --> 00:31:03,294 Like, a Yakov-Smirnoff- opening-for-the 628 00:31:03,296 --> 00:31:06,163 Spin-Doctors-at-the- Iowa-State-Fair shit-show. 629 00:31:08,167 --> 00:31:12,703 And under no circumstances will I take you to that show. 630 00:31:13,906 --> 00:31:15,707 I want you to remember me. 631 00:31:17,243 --> 00:31:19,144 Not the ghost of Christmas me. 632 00:31:19,145 --> 00:31:21,378 Well, I wanna remember us. 633 00:31:21,381 --> 00:31:23,815 I swear to God, I will find you in the next life... 634 00:31:23,816 --> 00:31:26,250 and I'm gonna boom-box Careless Whisper outside your window. 635 00:31:26,252 --> 00:31:27,652 Wham! 636 00:31:30,923 --> 00:31:34,192 No one is boom-boxing shit. Okay? 637 00:31:36,596 --> 00:31:38,195 We can fight this. 638 00:31:41,268 --> 00:31:44,269 Besides, I just realized something. 639 00:31:44,270 --> 00:31:46,604 You win. Your life is officially 640 00:31:46,605 --> 00:31:49,406 way more fucked up than mine. 641 00:31:50,609 --> 00:31:52,743 (WADE CHUCKLES) 642 00:31:53,680 --> 00:31:54,746 I love you. 643 00:31:58,951 --> 00:32:00,617 (MUSIC PLAYING) 644 00:32:06,425 --> 00:32:07,625 Wade. 645 00:32:09,695 --> 00:32:11,261 Weas. 646 00:32:11,263 --> 00:32:13,565 You look like you need a Blow Job and a shower. 647 00:32:13,567 --> 00:32:15,700 Though courtesy calls for the latter first. 648 00:32:15,701 --> 00:32:17,468 How about three shots of Patron? 649 00:32:17,470 --> 00:32:21,306 Or how about Triticum aestivum, wheatgrass. 650 00:32:21,307 --> 00:32:22,640 Excellent for the immune system. 651 00:32:22,642 --> 00:32:24,741 Jesus Christ. You sound like Vanessa. 652 00:32:24,743 --> 00:32:27,127 Here, check it out. 653 00:32:27,128 --> 00:32:29,512 She's sending away for all these colorful clinic brochures. 654 00:32:29,516 --> 00:32:31,715 I'm sure they're all FDA approved. 655 00:32:31,718 --> 00:32:34,719 Chechnya. Isn't that where you go to get cancer? 656 00:32:34,721 --> 00:32:37,855 You got China and Central Mexico. 657 00:32:37,856 --> 00:32:40,325 You know how they say "cancer" in Spanish? 658 00:32:40,326 --> 00:32:41,858 No. 659 00:32:41,861 --> 00:32:43,595 El Cancer. Oh. 660 00:32:43,596 --> 00:32:45,863 I could have guessed that. 661 00:32:45,865 --> 00:32:47,432 Look how happy you look here. 662 00:32:47,433 --> 00:32:49,000 Mind if I keep this? Put it up, 663 00:32:49,001 --> 00:32:51,903 so I can remember when you looked alive. 664 00:32:51,904 --> 00:32:53,904 At least now I'm gonna win the dead pool. 665 00:32:53,906 --> 00:32:56,708 Now that you're gonna die tragically of cancer. 666 00:32:56,710 --> 00:32:58,609 I got it, Weas. Thanks. 667 00:32:58,612 --> 00:33:01,011 Oh. 668 00:33:01,013 --> 00:33:03,714 And, uh, that guy over there came in looking for you. 669 00:33:03,717 --> 00:33:06,651 Real Grim Reaper type. 670 00:33:06,653 --> 00:33:08,685 I don't know. Might further the plot. 671 00:33:12,692 --> 00:33:13,790 Boothe. 672 00:33:13,792 --> 00:33:14,959 Wade. 673 00:33:18,698 --> 00:33:20,265 (WADE SIGHS) 674 00:33:20,267 --> 00:33:21,699 Mr. Wilson. 675 00:33:21,701 --> 00:33:22,900 How can I help you? 676 00:33:22,902 --> 00:33:25,670 Besides luring children into a panel van. 677 00:33:25,672 --> 00:33:29,440 I understand you've recently been diagnosed with terminal cancer. 678 00:33:29,442 --> 00:33:30,607 Stalker alert. 679 00:33:30,609 --> 00:33:33,510 It's my job. Recruitment. 680 00:33:33,512 --> 00:33:36,948 I'm sorry you've had such a tough go. 681 00:33:36,950 --> 00:33:39,416 But you're a fighter. Special Forces. 682 00:33:39,419 --> 00:33:42,319 41 confirmed kills. 683 00:33:42,322 --> 00:33:43,688 One every seven weeks. 684 00:33:43,690 --> 00:33:46,723 Same rate most folks get a haircut. Hmm... 685 00:33:46,726 --> 00:33:47,991 It's to wash the taste out. 686 00:33:47,993 --> 00:33:51,561 It's tough to forget being so impressive. 687 00:33:51,564 --> 00:33:53,597 And now you spend your days 688 00:33:53,599 --> 00:33:55,599 sticking up for the little people... 689 00:33:55,602 --> 00:33:57,602 People change. What do you want? 690 00:33:57,604 --> 00:34:00,738 I represent an organization that may be able to help. 691 00:34:02,608 --> 00:34:06,844 What if I told you we can cure your cancer? 692 00:34:06,846 --> 00:34:11,014 And what's more, give you abilities most men only dream of? 693 00:34:14,688 --> 00:34:16,586 I'd say that you sound like an infomercial, 694 00:34:16,588 --> 00:34:18,755 but not a good one, like Slap Chop. 695 00:34:18,757 --> 00:34:20,490 More Shake Weight-y. 696 00:34:20,492 --> 00:34:23,561 The world needs extraordinary soldiers. 697 00:34:23,563 --> 00:34:25,697 We won't just make you better. 698 00:34:25,699 --> 00:34:28,766 We will make you better than better. 699 00:34:29,702 --> 00:34:31,369 A superhero. 700 00:34:31,371 --> 00:34:34,105 Look, Agent Smith, 701 00:34:34,106 --> 00:34:36,740 I tried the hero business and it left a mark. 702 00:34:36,742 --> 00:34:39,510 But if I ever hit "fuck it," I'll look you up. 703 00:34:40,012 --> 00:34:41,778 Oh, um... 704 00:34:41,780 --> 00:34:43,481 Shit. We're within 500 yards of a school, 705 00:34:43,483 --> 00:34:44,715 so you may wanna... 706 00:34:49,655 --> 00:34:50,922 His drink's on him. 707 00:34:56,596 --> 00:34:58,429 WEASEL: What did he say? 708 00:34:58,431 --> 00:34:59,664 (THUNDERCLAP) 709 00:35:00,666 --> 00:35:02,967 (SIREN WAILING IN DISTANCE) 710 00:35:08,907 --> 00:35:10,407 (SNIFFLES) 711 00:35:20,887 --> 00:35:22,619 VANESSA: Hey, what's going on? 712 00:35:22,621 --> 00:35:25,021 (SNIFFLES) Hey. Sorry. 713 00:35:26,525 --> 00:35:29,427 I had a Liam Neeson nightmare. 714 00:35:29,429 --> 00:35:30,894 I dreamt I kidnapped his daughter 715 00:35:30,896 --> 00:35:32,630 and he just wasn't having it. 716 00:35:40,172 --> 00:35:45,510 Hey, uh, they've made three of those movies. 717 00:35:45,512 --> 00:35:48,713 At some point you have to wonder if he's just a bad parent. 718 00:35:48,715 --> 00:35:49,780 Hmm. 719 00:36:02,961 --> 00:36:06,963 WADE: The worst part about cancer isn't what it does to you... 720 00:36:06,965 --> 00:36:10,101 but what it does to the people you love. 721 00:36:10,103 --> 00:36:12,804 Who knew if this guy could save my life... 722 00:36:12,806 --> 00:36:15,940 but I knew there was only one way that I could save hers. 723 00:36:15,942 --> 00:36:17,474 (DOOR CLOSES) 724 00:36:19,679 --> 00:36:21,945 Isn't that what superheroes do? 725 00:36:25,452 --> 00:36:26,516 (CARS HONKING) 726 00:36:29,889 --> 00:36:31,155 (PHONE RINGING) 727 00:36:34,159 --> 00:36:38,496 WADE: Okay. Let's pro-con this superhero thing. 728 00:36:38,965 --> 00:36:40,164 (THUDS) Ow. 729 00:36:40,166 --> 00:36:43,134 Pro: They pull down a gaggle of ass. 730 00:36:43,135 --> 00:36:44,702 Local dry cleaning discounts. 731 00:36:44,704 --> 00:36:46,570 Lucrative film deals, both origin stories 732 00:36:46,572 --> 00:36:48,739 and larger ensemble team movies. 733 00:36:48,740 --> 00:36:51,842 Con: They're all lame-ass teacher's pets. 734 00:36:51,844 --> 00:36:53,710 You know, I can hear you. 735 00:36:53,713 --> 00:36:56,681 I wasn't talking to you. I was talking to them. 736 00:36:56,682 --> 00:36:58,983 Stay right here. 737 00:36:58,985 --> 00:37:01,251 COLOSSUS: You've been warned before, Deadpool. 738 00:37:01,253 --> 00:37:04,989 This is a shameful and reckless use of your powers. 739 00:37:04,990 --> 00:37:07,123 You will both be coming with us. 740 00:37:07,126 --> 00:37:09,059 WADE: Look, Colossus, I don't have time for 741 00:37:09,061 --> 00:37:11,161 the goody two-shoes bullshit right now! 742 00:37:11,164 --> 00:37:13,097 And you are? 743 00:37:14,733 --> 00:37:16,634 Negasonic Teenage Warhead. 744 00:37:16,635 --> 00:37:20,036 Negasonic Teenage... What the shit? 745 00:37:20,039 --> 00:37:21,938 That's the coolest name ever! 746 00:37:23,275 --> 00:37:26,010 So, what, you're like, uh, his sidekick? 747 00:37:26,012 --> 00:37:27,644 No. Trainee. 748 00:37:27,646 --> 00:37:29,045 Let me guess. 749 00:37:29,047 --> 00:37:31,681 X-Men left you behind on what? Shit detail? 750 00:37:31,684 --> 00:37:33,434 What does that make you? 751 00:37:33,434 --> 00:37:35,184 Pretending you're not here, Negasonic Teenage Warhead. 752 00:37:35,188 --> 00:37:36,653 Can we trade names? 753 00:37:36,655 --> 00:37:38,155 (FRANCIS GROANS) Can we go? 754 00:37:38,157 --> 00:37:40,690 WADE: Look! I'm a teenage girl. 755 00:37:40,693 --> 00:37:42,893 I'd rather be anywhere than here. 756 00:37:42,896 --> 00:37:45,096 I'm all about long sullen silences... 757 00:37:45,097 --> 00:37:49,032 followed by mean comments, followed by more silences. 758 00:37:49,034 --> 00:37:52,269 So what's it gonna be, huh? Long sullen silence... 759 00:37:52,271 --> 00:37:54,972 or mean comment? Go on. 760 00:37:56,175 --> 00:37:57,541 You got me in a box here. 761 00:37:57,543 --> 00:37:58,643 Aha! 762 00:37:58,644 --> 00:38:00,644 We can't allow this, Deadpool. 763 00:38:00,646 --> 00:38:02,045 Please, come quietly. 764 00:38:02,047 --> 00:38:04,315 You big chrome cock-gobbler! 765 00:38:04,317 --> 00:38:05,766 COLOSSUS: That's not nice. 766 00:38:05,768 --> 00:38:07,217 You're really gonna fuck this up for me? 767 00:38:07,219 --> 00:38:11,789 Trust me, that wheezing bag of dick-tips has it coming. 768 00:38:11,791 --> 00:38:14,724 He's pure evil. 769 00:38:14,726 --> 00:38:18,028 Besides... Nobody's getting hurt. 770 00:38:19,666 --> 00:38:20,731 (THUDS) 771 00:38:23,202 --> 00:38:25,603 That guy was already up there when I got here. 772 00:38:25,605 --> 00:38:28,838 Wade, you are better than this. 773 00:38:28,840 --> 00:38:31,208 Join us. Use your powers for good. 774 00:38:31,210 --> 00:38:32,275 WADE: Heads up. 775 00:38:32,277 --> 00:38:33,744 Be a superhero. 776 00:38:33,746 --> 00:38:35,512 WADE: Listen! 777 00:38:35,514 --> 00:38:37,280 The day I decide to become a crime-fighting shit-swizzler... 778 00:38:37,282 --> 00:38:40,684 who rooms with a bunch of other little whiners at the Neverland mansion... 779 00:38:40,686 --> 00:38:45,623 of some creepy, old, bald, Heaven's Gate-looking motherfucker... 780 00:38:45,625 --> 00:38:47,291 on that day... 781 00:38:47,293 --> 00:38:49,693 I'll send your shiny, happy ass a friend request. 782 00:38:49,695 --> 00:38:52,163 But until then, I'mma do what I came here to do. 783 00:38:52,164 --> 00:38:54,965 Either that or slap the bitch outta you! 784 00:38:54,967 --> 00:38:56,233 COLOSSUS: Wade... Hey. 785 00:38:56,235 --> 00:38:57,601 Zip it, Sinead! 786 00:38:57,603 --> 00:38:58,668 Hey, douche-pool! 787 00:38:58,670 --> 00:38:59,971 And I hope you're watching... 788 00:38:59,972 --> 00:39:02,039 (MOTORBIKE REVVING) 789 00:39:02,041 --> 00:39:03,673 (GASPS LOUDLY) 790 00:39:04,710 --> 00:39:06,376 Quite unfortunate. 791 00:39:09,849 --> 00:39:12,182 That does it! 792 00:39:12,184 --> 00:39:13,384 (METAL CLANKS) 793 00:39:13,385 --> 00:39:14,851 Oh! 794 00:39:14,853 --> 00:39:17,922 (GROANS) Canada! 795 00:39:19,057 --> 00:39:20,123 That's not good. 796 00:39:20,126 --> 00:39:21,291 COLOSSUS: Wade, please. 797 00:39:21,293 --> 00:39:24,195 WADE: Cock shot! 00:40:15,246 COLOSSUS: You will recover, Wade. 819 00:40:15,248 --> 00:40:16,947 You always do. 820 00:40:21,353 --> 00:40:24,989 You ever see 127 Hours? Spoiler alert. 821 00:40:25,925 --> 00:40:27,257 (SQUISHING NOISE) 822 00:40:28,695 --> 00:40:29,860 Oh, my God. 823 00:40:34,000 --> 00:40:34,664 Nasty. 824 00:40:34,666 --> 00:40:35,331 WADE: Oh, there's the money shot, baby. 825 00:40:35,333 --> 00:40:36,733 (RETCHING) 826 00:40:36,735 --> 00:40:38,469 Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret. 827 00:40:44,077 --> 00:40:45,141 (TRUCK HORN HONKS) 828 00:40:49,449 --> 00:40:52,349 WADE: Rock, meet bottom. 829 00:40:52,351 --> 00:40:55,786 And when life ends up breathtakingly fucked... 830 00:40:55,788 --> 00:40:59,989 you can generally trace it back to one big, bad decision. 831 00:40:59,992 --> 00:41:03,193 The one that sent you down the road to Shitsburgh. 832 00:41:03,195 --> 00:41:06,896 This? Well, this was mine. 833 00:41:06,898 --> 00:41:09,766 AGENT SMITH: Mr. Wilson. 834 00:41:09,768 --> 00:41:14,204 Nothing warms my heart more than a change of someone else's. 835 00:41:14,206 --> 00:41:16,039 You finally hit "fuck it." 836 00:41:17,110 --> 00:41:19,844 Just promise you'll do right by me. 837 00:41:19,846 --> 00:41:21,911 So I can do right by someone else. 838 00:41:21,914 --> 00:41:23,813 Of course. 839 00:41:23,815 --> 00:41:25,516 And please don't make the super-suit green. 840 00:41:26,853 --> 00:41:28,318 Or animated. 841 00:41:30,123 --> 00:41:32,757 (MAN CHOKING) 842 00:41:34,860 --> 00:41:36,393 MAN: Move it! Keep moving. 843 00:41:36,394 --> 00:41:37,994 (PATIENT SCREAMING) 844 00:41:48,407 --> 00:41:51,342 This place seems sanitary. 845 00:41:51,344 --> 00:41:53,543 My first request is warmer hands. 846 00:41:53,545 --> 00:41:57,447 Oh! And, Jesus, a warmer table. 847 00:41:59,018 --> 00:42:01,217 We should really come up with a safe word, fellas. 848 00:42:01,219 --> 00:42:03,153 I'm thinking "pork and beans." 849 00:42:06,425 --> 00:42:08,559 (GROANS) Easy. 850 00:42:10,496 --> 00:42:12,963 Aren't you a little strong for a lady? 851 00:42:13,532 --> 00:42:15,266 I'm calling wang. 852 00:42:15,268 --> 00:42:17,168 (BREATHING HEAVILY) 853 00:42:18,971 --> 00:42:20,371 What's up with the matches? 854 00:42:20,373 --> 00:42:23,306 Oral fixation or just a big Stallone fan? 855 00:42:23,309 --> 00:42:24,574 (MUFFLED GROAN) 856 00:42:24,577 --> 00:42:26,076 Patience, Angel. 857 00:42:26,978 --> 00:42:28,579 All in good time. 858 00:42:28,581 --> 00:42:30,581 Are you here for the turndown service, or what? 859 00:42:32,184 --> 00:42:33,751 We have another talker. 860 00:42:33,751 --> 00:42:35,318 I'm just excited about my first day at superhero camp. 861 00:42:35,320 --> 00:42:37,521 Shut the fuck up. 862 00:42:40,860 --> 00:42:42,893 Mr. Wilson, my name's Ajax. 863 00:42:43,862 --> 00:42:46,996 I manage this workshop. 864 00:42:46,998 --> 00:42:50,266 Ah, my welcome speech used to be full of euphemisms like... 865 00:42:50,268 --> 00:42:51,902 "This may hurt a little." 866 00:42:51,903 --> 00:42:53,971 "This may cause you some discomfort." 867 00:42:53,972 --> 00:42:56,273 But I've grown blunt. 868 00:42:56,275 --> 00:42:59,009 This workshop is not a government-led program. 869 00:42:59,010 --> 00:43:02,545 It's a private institution that turns reclamation projects like yourself... 870 00:43:02,547 --> 00:43:06,083 into men of extraordinary abilities. 871 00:43:07,552 --> 00:43:11,021 But if you think super-human powers are acquired painlessly... 872 00:43:11,891 --> 00:43:13,289 Wrong. (GROANS) 873 00:43:13,291 --> 00:43:14,958 I'm injecting you with a serum... 874 00:43:14,960 --> 00:43:17,561 that activates any mutant genes lurking in your DNA. 875 00:43:17,563 --> 00:43:21,565 For it to work we need to subject you to extreme stress. 876 00:43:24,903 --> 00:43:27,070 (WADE GROANING) 877 00:43:27,072 --> 00:43:31,108 You've heard that whole "make an omelet, break some eggs" bit, right? 878 00:43:31,110 --> 00:43:33,577 I'm about to hurt you, Wade. 879 00:43:33,579 --> 00:43:36,646 I was a patient here once myself, you know. 880 00:43:36,648 --> 00:43:39,516 The treatment affects everyone differently. 881 00:43:39,518 --> 00:43:42,652 It made Angel inhumanly strong. 882 00:43:42,655 --> 00:43:47,257 In my case, it enhanced my reflexes. 883 00:43:47,260 --> 00:43:50,293 Also scorched my nerve endings, so I no longer feel pain. 884 00:43:51,998 --> 00:43:55,932 And, in fact, I no longer feel anything. 885 00:43:57,269 --> 00:43:58,936 (MUMBLING) 886 00:44:04,277 --> 00:44:07,344 Thanks! Thank you. Thank you. 887 00:44:07,346 --> 00:44:10,079 You have something in your teeth. 888 00:44:10,081 --> 00:44:12,282 Right in the middle there. Just, I don't... 889 00:44:12,284 --> 00:44:15,385 A little nugget of romaine lettuce or something. 890 00:44:15,387 --> 00:44:17,221 (SIGHS) 891 00:44:17,222 --> 00:44:19,690 It's been bothering me for a long time. 892 00:44:19,692 --> 00:44:21,125 (LAUGHS) 893 00:44:21,126 --> 00:44:22,393 Ah, made you look. 894 00:44:22,394 --> 00:44:24,161 Hey, is Ajax your actual name? 895 00:44:24,163 --> 00:44:25,996 Because it sounds suspiciously made up. 896 00:44:25,998 --> 00:44:27,130 What is it, really? 897 00:44:27,132 --> 00:44:29,400 Kevin? Bruce? Scott? 898 00:44:29,402 --> 00:44:31,702 Mitch? The Rickster? 899 00:44:31,704 --> 00:44:33,570 (in British accent) Is it Basil Fawlty? 900 00:44:33,572 --> 00:44:35,539 Oh, joke away. 901 00:44:35,541 --> 00:44:37,041 One thing that never survives this place 902 00:44:37,043 --> 00:44:39,043 is a sense of humor. 903 00:44:39,045 --> 00:44:40,210 We'll see about that. 904 00:44:40,211 --> 00:44:41,577 I suppose we will. 905 00:44:43,048 --> 00:44:44,547 He's all yours. 906 00:44:44,550 --> 00:44:46,317 Oh, come on. 907 00:44:46,318 --> 00:44:47,717 You're gonna leave me all alone here. 908 00:44:47,719 --> 00:44:49,485 With less-angry Rosie O'Donnell? 909 00:44:50,056 --> 00:44:51,121 (GROANS) 910 00:44:53,726 --> 00:44:56,025 FRANCIS: This is how it's going to work. 911 00:44:56,027 --> 00:44:59,530 Adrenaline acts as a catalyst for the serum... 912 00:44:59,532 --> 00:45:02,199 so we're going to have to make you suffer. 913 00:45:03,735 --> 00:45:05,735 FRANCIS: If you're lucky, the mutant genes will activate 914 00:45:05,737 --> 00:45:08,672 and manifest in a spectacular fashion. 915 00:45:09,675 --> 00:45:10,740 (GASPS) 916 00:45:13,045 --> 00:45:15,746 FRANCIS: If not, well, we'll have to keep on hurting you... 917 00:45:15,748 --> 00:45:17,581 (WADE SHIVERING) 918 00:45:17,583 --> 00:45:19,016 in new and different ways, 919 00:45:19,018 --> 00:45:20,416 each more painful than the last... 920 00:45:23,088 --> 00:45:25,422 until you finally mutate. 921 00:45:27,059 --> 00:45:28,291 Or die. 922 00:45:35,101 --> 00:45:36,632 CUNNINGHAM: You mean a bucket list? 923 00:45:36,635 --> 00:45:39,103 WADE: Like a fuck-it list. 924 00:45:39,105 --> 00:45:40,371 I'd really like to light a spliff 925 00:45:40,373 --> 00:45:42,306 off the Olympic torch. 926 00:45:42,307 --> 00:45:44,240 CUNNINGHAM: Pass it to me right after. 927 00:45:44,242 --> 00:45:47,643 Let's not forget naked tandem base-jumping 928 00:45:47,646 --> 00:45:51,248 with the WNBA's Sacramento Monarchs. 929 00:45:51,250 --> 00:45:54,751 Anything on my bucket list would involve public nudity. 930 00:45:54,753 --> 00:45:58,088 Finally, giving Meredith Baxter-Birney a Dutch oven. 931 00:45:58,090 --> 00:46:01,257 No. Receiving a Dutch oven from Meredith Baxter-Birney. 932 00:46:01,659 --> 00:46:03,193 (LAUGHS) 933 00:46:05,731 --> 00:46:09,333 Making banana pancakes for my kids. 934 00:46:12,637 --> 00:46:14,737 Vanessa. 935 00:46:18,277 --> 00:46:20,610 WADE: I wanna see Vanessa. 936 00:46:20,612 --> 00:46:22,146 FRANCIS: You're lovely. 937 00:46:22,148 --> 00:46:25,516 I don't know about anyone else, but I'm touched. 938 00:46:25,518 --> 00:46:26,550 We were just joking. 939 00:46:26,552 --> 00:46:29,085 No, no. It's okay. 940 00:46:30,155 --> 00:46:32,523 I encourage distractions. 941 00:46:32,525 --> 00:46:34,824 Wouldn't want you giving up on us, now would we? 942 00:46:34,827 --> 00:46:36,760 Hey, don't take any shit from him, Cunningham. 943 00:46:37,695 --> 00:46:40,230 How tough can he be... 944 00:46:40,231 --> 00:46:43,233 with a name like Francis? 945 00:46:43,635 --> 00:46:45,168 Francis? 946 00:46:45,170 --> 00:46:47,170 WADE: That's his legal name. 947 00:46:47,172 --> 00:46:50,641 (CHUCKLING) He got "Ajax" from the dish soap. 948 00:46:52,577 --> 00:46:56,346 F, R, A, N, C, I... 949 00:46:56,648 --> 00:46:58,215 Oops! 950 00:46:59,784 --> 00:47:02,753 Snagged the dry cleaning tag off your lab coat. 951 00:47:04,590 --> 00:47:07,190 FYI, I could probably get you the superhero discount. 952 00:47:07,193 --> 00:47:08,559 You are so relentlessly annoying. 953 00:47:08,561 --> 00:47:09,592 Thanks. 954 00:47:09,594 --> 00:47:11,228 Never heard that before. 955 00:47:11,230 --> 00:47:14,297 Why don't you do us all a favor and shut the fuck up? 956 00:47:14,300 --> 00:47:16,365 Or I'll sew your pretty mouth shut. 957 00:47:16,668 --> 00:47:18,135 Oh... 958 00:47:18,137 --> 00:47:19,735 I wouldn't do that if I were you. 959 00:47:19,737 --> 00:47:21,371 See, here's the problem with 960 00:47:21,373 --> 00:47:23,206 round-the-clock torture... 961 00:47:23,208 --> 00:47:26,242 is that you can't really step it up from there. 962 00:47:28,681 --> 00:47:31,215 Is that what you think? 963 00:47:36,355 --> 00:47:38,822 If this doesn't unlock your mutation, then, well... 964 00:47:39,625 --> 00:47:41,425 nothing will. 965 00:47:41,427 --> 00:47:42,943 Now, what we're going to do is 966 00:47:42,943 --> 00:47:44,460 lower the oxygen concentration in the air... 967 00:47:44,463 --> 00:47:47,364 to the exact point you feel like you're suffocating. 968 00:47:47,365 --> 00:47:48,632 If your brainwaves slow, 969 00:47:48,634 --> 00:47:51,235 meaning you're about to pass out... 970 00:47:51,237 --> 00:47:52,436 then we'll turn up the O2. 971 00:47:53,371 --> 00:47:54,771 If your heart rate slows... 972 00:47:54,773 --> 00:47:57,574 meaning you're able to catch your breath... 973 00:47:57,576 --> 00:47:59,576 we'll turn it back down. 974 00:47:59,577 --> 00:48:01,244 And that's where we'll leave you. 975 00:48:01,246 --> 00:48:03,614 Right there. 976 00:48:03,615 --> 00:48:05,882 Oh, and I thought you guys were dicks before. 977 00:48:05,885 --> 00:48:09,219 FRANCIS: You know the funniest part of this? 978 00:48:09,221 --> 00:48:12,389 You still think we're making you a superhero. 979 00:48:12,391 --> 00:48:15,826 You. A dishonorable discharge. 980 00:48:16,528 --> 00:48:18,661 Hip-deep in hookers. 981 00:48:19,364 --> 00:48:20,931 You're nothing. 982 00:48:21,800 --> 00:48:24,268 Little secret, Wade. 983 00:48:24,269 --> 00:48:26,202 This workshop doesn't make superheroes, 984 00:48:26,204 --> 00:48:29,405 we make super-slaves. 985 00:48:29,407 --> 00:48:31,240 We're gonna fit you with a control collar 986 00:48:31,242 --> 00:48:33,809 and auction you off to the highest bidder. 987 00:48:33,811 --> 00:48:36,213 Who knows what they'll have you doing? 988 00:48:36,215 --> 00:48:39,615 Terrorizing citizens, putting down freedom fighters. 989 00:48:41,686 --> 00:48:44,954 Maybe just mow the occasional lawn. 990 00:48:44,956 --> 00:48:47,623 What the fuck is wrong with you? 991 00:48:52,764 --> 00:48:55,666 You're never going home after this. 992 00:48:55,668 --> 00:48:57,900 Now there's a brave face. 993 00:48:58,836 --> 00:49:00,570 Wait, wait! Wait. Wait. 994 00:49:02,775 --> 00:49:06,777 Seriously, you actually have something in your teeth now. 995 00:49:08,646 --> 00:49:10,447 Enjoy your weekend. 996 00:49:10,449 --> 00:49:12,248 "Weekend"? Back up. 997 00:49:12,251 --> 00:49:13,483 Weekend? 998 00:49:14,286 --> 00:49:15,885 (MACHINE HISSING) 999 00:49:18,791 --> 00:49:20,389 (GASPING) 1000 00:49:20,391 --> 00:49:21,992 (CHOKING) 1001 00:49:30,469 --> 00:49:32,268 (EKG BEEPING) 1002 00:49:34,806 --> 00:49:36,472 (CHOKING) ANGEL DUST: Motherfucker. 1028 00:51:30,822 --> 00:51:32,789 Hey, hey, hey. It's all right, it's all right. 1029 00:51:33,826 --> 00:51:35,826 I think we owe him that one, yeah? 1030 00:51:35,827 --> 00:51:38,394 You take off. Go on. 1031 00:51:38,963 --> 00:51:40,496 Off you go. 1032 00:51:51,443 --> 00:51:53,009 Quick question. 1033 00:51:55,146 --> 00:51:57,414 What's my name? 1034 00:52:02,987 --> 00:52:04,521 Didn't think so. 1035 00:52:06,157 --> 00:52:09,025 WADE: Sorry, Francis. My lips are sealed. 1036 00:52:09,027 --> 00:52:10,659 (GROANING) 1037 00:52:25,010 --> 00:52:27,177 (BREATHING HEAVILY) 1038 00:52:57,943 --> 00:52:59,141 (EXPLODING) 1039 00:53:08,920 --> 00:53:11,621 (MEN SCREAMING IN THE DISTANCE) 1040 00:53:14,226 --> 00:53:15,891 (INDISTINCT SHOUTING) 1041 00:53:15,893 --> 00:53:17,494 (MAN COUGHING) 1042 00:53:31,210 --> 00:53:32,476 (BOTH GRUNTING) 1043 00:53:43,722 --> 00:53:45,255 (GROANS) 1044 00:53:48,260 --> 00:53:49,525 (GRUNTING) 1045 00:54:00,137 --> 00:54:01,204 (GROANING) 1046 00:54:05,543 --> 00:54:06,876 You don't want to kill me. 1047 00:54:06,878 --> 00:54:09,211 I'm the only one who can fix your ugly mug. 1048 00:54:09,213 --> 00:54:10,780 (GRUNTING) 1049 00:54:19,757 --> 00:54:21,123 (LAUGHS) 1050 00:54:21,126 --> 00:54:22,692 (GRUNTING) 1051 00:54:24,896 --> 00:54:26,829 01:00:27,090 (GUN FIRING) 1144 01:00:27,092 --> 01:00:28,291 (GROANING) 1145 01:00:32,931 --> 01:00:33,996 (SIGHS) 1146 01:00:34,965 --> 01:00:36,565 WADE: Where's Francis? 1147 01:00:44,976 --> 01:00:47,010 AL: Seltzer water and lemon for blood. 1148 01:00:48,213 --> 01:00:51,179 Or wear red. Dumbass. 1149 01:00:56,655 --> 01:00:58,353 (ALL CHEERING) 1150 01:01:03,027 --> 01:01:04,594 (CLAMORING) 1151 01:01:07,264 --> 01:01:08,431 (GROANING) 1152 01:01:08,432 --> 01:01:09,699 (GUN FIRING) 01:01:47,670 No! Please! 1168 01:01:47,672 --> 01:01:50,606 Oh, God! I'm so sorry! 1169 01:01:50,608 --> 01:01:51,673 (WOMAN SCREAMS) 1170 01:01:51,675 --> 01:01:54,577 Oh! You little spider monkey! 1171 01:01:54,579 --> 01:01:56,012 (TOILET FLUSHING) 1172 01:01:57,449 --> 01:02:01,050 Where... is... Francis? 1173 01:02:02,152 --> 01:02:03,353 This is confusing. 1174 01:02:03,355 --> 01:02:04,686 Is it sexist to hit you? 1175 01:02:04,688 --> 01:02:06,356 Is it more sexist to not hit you? 1176 01:02:06,358 --> 01:02:08,724 I mean, the line gets real... blurry. 1177 01:02:08,726 --> 01:02:09,746 (SPEAKING SPANISH) 1178 01:02:09,800 --> 01:02:11,000 WHERE IS FRANCIS? 1179 01:02:12,496 --> 01:02:14,563 Tell me where your fucking boss is 1180 01:02:14,565 --> 01:02:16,431 or you're gonna die! 1181 01:02:16,434 --> 01:02:18,166 In five minutes! 1182 01:02:28,213 --> 01:02:30,112 (WHISPERS) Don't hesitate to call me. 1183 01:02:45,530 --> 01:02:47,730 Nice to see you, Jared. 1184 01:02:48,800 --> 01:02:50,632 I'll take the footlong... 1185 01:02:50,635 --> 01:02:51,701 Fully loaded. 1186 01:02:53,103 --> 01:02:54,269 (GRUNTING) (GUNS FIRING) 1187 01:02:59,110 --> 01:03:00,309 (PANTING) 1188 01:03:02,414 --> 01:03:03,713 (GRUNTS) (GLASS SHATTERS) 1189 01:03:05,784 --> 01:03:07,349 (GROANS) Whoa, whoa! 1190 01:03:07,351 --> 01:03:09,085 41 confirmed kills. 1191 01:03:09,086 --> 01:03:11,454 Now it's 89. About to be 90. 1192 01:03:12,222 --> 01:03:13,356 Mr. Wilson? 1193 01:03:13,358 --> 01:03:14,456 Ding-ding. 1194 01:03:15,260 --> 01:03:17,559 You're looking very alive. 1195 01:03:17,561 --> 01:03:19,829 Ha! Only on the outside! 1196 01:03:19,831 --> 01:03:21,496 This is not going to end well for me, is it? 1197 01:03:21,498 --> 01:03:22,798 This is not gonna end well for you, no. 1198 01:03:22,800 --> 01:03:24,166 Where's your boss? 1199 01:03:24,168 --> 01:03:25,668 I can tell you exactly... 1200 01:03:25,670 --> 01:03:27,436 (SHUSHING MOCKINGLY) 1201 01:03:27,438 --> 01:03:29,806 Oh, you'll tell me. But first... 1202 01:03:29,807 --> 01:03:32,275 You might wanna look away for this. 1203 01:03:32,277 --> 01:03:33,576 Now this little piggy went to... 1204 01:03:33,577 --> 01:03:34,744 (AGENT SMITH SCREAMS) 1205 01:03:35,579 --> 01:03:38,081 WADE: Thank you, Agent Smith. 1206 01:03:41,518 --> 01:03:42,585 Taxi! 1207 01:03:44,121 --> 01:03:46,422 Hop in! Great day for a ride. 1208 01:03:46,423 --> 01:03:48,291 WADE: Wait, pretty sure Robin loves Batman, too. 1233 01:05:08,373 --> 01:05:09,572 (KNOCKING ON DOOR) 1234 01:05:13,878 --> 01:05:15,277 (KNOCKING ON DOOR) 1235 01:05:16,813 --> 01:05:18,280 (AL GROANS) 1236 01:05:18,282 --> 01:05:19,347 WADE: Al? 1237 01:05:21,619 --> 01:05:23,219 Morning, sleepyhead. 1238 01:05:23,221 --> 01:05:24,519 (GRUNTS) 1239 01:05:24,521 --> 01:05:26,688 It smells like old lady pants in here. 1240 01:05:26,690 --> 01:05:28,690 Yes, I'm old. I wear pants. 1241 01:05:28,693 --> 01:05:30,559 But you're no lady. 1242 01:05:30,561 --> 01:05:33,829 Oh! So comfy. 1243 01:05:33,831 --> 01:05:36,898 Upside of being blind: I've never seen you in Crocs. 1244 01:05:36,900 --> 01:05:38,434 You mean my big, rubber masturbating shoes? 1245 01:05:38,436 --> 01:05:39,936 AL: Yes, I know. 1246 01:05:39,938 --> 01:05:42,704 Downside of being blind... 1247 01:05:42,706 --> 01:05:45,273 I hear everything in this duplex. 1248 01:05:45,275 --> 01:05:46,342 (GROANS) 1249 01:05:47,311 --> 01:05:48,543 Sit on a stick. 1250 01:05:48,545 --> 01:05:49,579 Bactin? 1251 01:05:49,581 --> 01:05:53,715 Yeah. Bactin should do it. 1252 01:05:54,786 --> 01:05:56,585 How's that Kullen coming along? 1253 01:05:56,588 --> 01:05:58,688 IKEA doesn't assemble itself, you know. 1254 01:05:58,690 --> 01:06:01,690 You're telling me. I don't mind the Kullen. 1255 01:06:01,693 --> 01:06:04,327 It's an improvement on the Hurdal. 1256 01:06:04,329 --> 01:06:06,862 Please. Anything's an improvement over the Hurdal. 1257 01:06:06,864 --> 01:06:10,967 I'd have taken an Hemnes or a Trysil over the Hurdal. 1258 01:06:10,969 --> 01:06:13,835 Oh, no, I didn't get excited till I saw the Kullen. 1259 01:06:13,838 --> 01:06:15,003 Screw, please. 1260 01:06:15,005 --> 01:06:16,572 Here? Now? Just kidding. 1261 01:06:16,574 --> 01:06:17,739 I know it's been decades. 1262 01:06:17,742 --> 01:06:18,907 You'd be surprised. 1263 01:06:19,610 --> 01:06:20,775 Pretty grossed out. 1264 01:06:22,713 --> 01:06:25,280 (GROANS) Ta... Da. 1265 01:06:30,855 --> 01:06:34,489 I wish I never heard of Craigslist. 1266 01:06:34,492 --> 01:06:35,757 And I quote, "Looking for roommate, 1267 01:06:35,760 --> 01:06:37,025 "blind to life's imperfections. 1268 01:06:37,027 --> 01:06:38,811 "Must be good with hands." 1269 01:06:38,811 --> 01:06:40,594 Or would you rather I build the IKEA, and you pay rent? 1270 01:06:40,597 --> 01:06:42,565 Why such a douche this morning? 1271 01:06:43,333 --> 01:06:45,034 Let's recap. 1272 01:06:45,034 --> 01:06:46,735 The cock thistle that turned me into this freak... 1273 01:06:46,737 --> 01:06:48,536 slipped through my arms today... 1274 01:06:50,007 --> 01:06:51,706 Arm. 1275 01:06:51,708 --> 01:06:53,041 Catching him was my only chance 1276 01:06:53,043 --> 01:06:54,876 to be hot again, get my super sexy ex back... 1277 01:06:54,878 --> 01:06:57,346 and prevent this shit from happening to someone else. 1278 01:06:57,347 --> 01:06:59,347 So, yeah, today was about as much fun 1279 01:06:59,349 --> 01:07:00,983 as a sandpaper dildo. 1280 01:07:01,753 --> 01:07:02,885 (WADE FARTS) 1281 01:07:02,887 --> 01:07:04,552 1282 01:07:21,905 --> 01:07:23,938 Found out who our friend in the red suit is. 1283 01:07:26,376 --> 01:07:29,045 Fucking Wade Wilson. 1284 01:07:29,047 --> 01:07:32,047 I suppose I'd wear a mask too if I had a face like that. 1285 01:07:32,050 --> 01:07:33,715 I only wish I healed the same. 1286 01:07:37,655 --> 01:07:40,523 Still, we'll put him out of our misery. 1287 01:07:40,525 --> 01:07:42,023 On our terms. 1288 01:07:42,025 --> 01:07:43,893 Right. And when he heals? 1289 01:07:44,829 --> 01:07:46,027 He can't. 1290 01:07:46,030 --> 01:07:48,664 Not if there's nothing left of him to heal. 1291 01:07:48,666 --> 01:07:52,702 You know, it's funny. I almost miss the fucker. 1292 01:07:54,005 --> 01:07:55,603 I like a challenge. 1293 01:07:56,840 --> 01:07:58,974 But he's bad for business. 1294 01:07:58,976 --> 01:08:00,809 Now let's go find him. 1295 01:08:01,679 --> 01:08:02,744 Oh. 1296 01:08:03,681 --> 01:08:05,114 (WADE GRUNTS SLOWLY) 1297 01:08:05,115 --> 01:08:06,715 Tylenol PM? 1298 01:08:06,717 --> 01:08:09,617 You can stick that where you stuck the Bactin. 1299 01:08:09,619 --> 01:08:11,987 I raided my stash of wisdom tooth Percocet... 1300 01:08:11,989 --> 01:08:16,057 and I am orbiting fucking Saturn right now. 1301 01:08:16,961 --> 01:08:18,860 (SIGHS) 1302 01:08:18,863 --> 01:08:21,831 But I appreciate the gesture. 1303 01:08:21,832 --> 01:08:26,435 Am I crazy, or is your hand really small? 1304 01:08:26,436 --> 01:08:28,470 About the size of a KFC spork. 1305 01:08:28,472 --> 01:08:30,372 Ugh. 1306 01:08:30,375 --> 01:08:32,608 I get why you're so pissy... 1307 01:08:32,609 --> 01:08:34,143 but your mood's never gonna brighten 1308 01:08:34,145 --> 01:08:35,610 till you find this woman... 1309 01:08:35,613 --> 01:08:36,979 and tell her how you feel. 1310 01:08:36,980 --> 01:08:38,680 What do I keep telling you, Mrs. Magoo? 1311 01:08:38,682 --> 01:08:40,515 She wouldn't have me. 1312 01:08:40,518 --> 01:08:42,150 If you could see me, you'd understand. 1313 01:08:42,153 --> 01:08:43,485 Looks aren't everything. 1314 01:08:43,488 --> 01:08:44,619 Looks are everything. 1315 01:08:44,622 --> 01:08:46,721 You ever heard David Beckham speak? 1316 01:08:46,724 --> 01:08:49,057 It's like he mouth-sexed a can of helium. 1317 01:08:49,060 --> 01:08:50,626 You think Ryan Reynolds got this far 1318 01:08:50,627 --> 01:08:52,494 on his superior acting method? 1319 01:08:52,497 --> 01:08:53,762 Love is blind, Wade. 1320 01:08:53,765 --> 01:08:54,829 No. 1321 01:08:55,867 --> 01:08:57,800 You're blind. 1322 01:08:57,801 --> 01:09:00,770 So, you're just gonna lie there and whimper? 1323 01:09:00,771 --> 01:09:02,872 No, I'm gonna wait till this arm plows through puberty... 1324 01:09:02,873 --> 01:09:03,905 and then I'm gonna come up with 1325 01:09:03,908 --> 01:09:05,108 a whole new Christmas Day plan. 1326 01:09:05,810 --> 01:09:07,076 In the meantime, 1327 01:09:07,078 --> 01:09:09,078 you might wanna leave the room. 1328 01:09:09,079 --> 01:09:11,680 I bet it feels huge in this hand. 1329 01:09:12,917 --> 01:09:16,085 Go, go, go. 1330 01:09:16,087 --> 01:09:17,886 WEASEL: So, the doctor says, "The bad news is 1331 01:09:17,889 --> 01:09:19,338 "you don't have that long to live." 1332 01:09:19,340 --> 01:09:20,789 So, the patient says, "How long do I have?" 1333 01:09:20,792 --> 01:09:22,757 The doctor says, "Five." 1334 01:09:22,760 --> 01:09:24,493 The guy says, "Five what?" 1335 01:09:24,494 --> 01:09:27,695 And the doctor says, "Four, three, two..." 1336 01:09:27,698 --> 01:09:28,898 (ALL LAUGHING) 1337 01:09:35,539 --> 01:09:37,038 Can I help you ladies? 1338 01:09:39,676 --> 01:09:40,842 Oh, I do hope so. 1339 01:09:44,948 --> 01:09:46,582 I heard you might be able to point me 1340 01:09:46,583 --> 01:09:49,685 in the direction of a, um, friend of mine. 1341 01:09:49,686 --> 01:09:50,752 Name of Wade Wilson. 1342 01:09:52,122 --> 01:09:53,456 Sorry. 1343 01:09:53,457 --> 01:09:54,989 I don't know the name. 1344 01:10:02,199 --> 01:10:04,733 Hey, you're not supposed to be behind the bar. 1345 01:10:08,238 --> 01:10:10,206 I've seen this girl. 1346 01:10:10,207 --> 01:10:11,707 FRANCIS: Ah, this must be Vanessa. 1347 01:10:11,708 --> 01:10:12,908 I've heard so much about you. 1348 01:10:13,543 --> 01:10:14,609 (GROANING) 1349 01:10:17,113 --> 01:10:19,881 Um, sweetheart, you might wanna look around. 1350 01:10:19,884 --> 01:10:22,650 This isn't really the place to do something like that. 1351 01:10:23,887 --> 01:10:25,720 Easy, Angel. 1352 01:10:25,722 --> 01:10:27,088 Put the little man down. 1353 01:10:28,693 --> 01:10:30,826 We have everything we need now. 1354 01:10:30,828 --> 01:10:32,627 You sure? 1355 01:10:32,630 --> 01:10:35,730 You don't want any clothes that are not monochromatic? 1356 01:10:35,733 --> 01:10:38,533 Have fun at your midnight showing of Blade II. 1357 01:10:40,604 --> 01:10:42,003 Whoo. 1358 01:10:42,006 --> 01:10:43,838 Thanks for having my back, guys. 1359 01:10:48,779 --> 01:10:51,145 Wade, we have a fucking problem. 1360 01:10:51,148 --> 01:10:53,916 And by "we," I mean "you." 1361 01:10:53,917 --> 01:10:56,051 Ah, I can't believe I'm doing this. 1362 01:10:56,052 --> 01:10:58,988 Is there a word for half afraid, half angry? 1363 01:10:58,989 --> 01:11:01,155 Yeah, "afrangry", I guess. 1364 01:11:01,158 --> 01:11:03,024 Have you decided what you're gonna say to her? 1365 01:11:03,027 --> 01:11:04,292 Fuck me! 1366 01:11:04,295 --> 01:11:06,295 Uh, maybe not start with that. 1367 01:11:06,296 --> 01:11:08,130 (TRAP MUSIC PLAYING) 1368 01:11:12,136 --> 01:11:15,604 Hey, coming onto our stage right now... 1369 01:11:15,605 --> 01:11:17,805 give it up for Chastity! 1370 01:11:17,807 --> 01:11:19,108 (ALL CHEERING) 1371 01:11:21,612 --> 01:11:23,912 Or as I like to call her, Irony. 1372 01:11:23,914 --> 01:11:26,047 Better find her fast before numbnuts does. 1373 01:11:26,050 --> 01:11:27,682 How do you know she's in here? 1374 01:11:27,685 --> 01:11:30,853 Because I'm constantly stalking that fox. 1375 01:11:44,902 --> 01:11:48,703 (MUSIC FADES OUT) 1376 01:11:55,813 --> 01:12:00,082 WADE: Every time I see her, it's like the first time... 1377 01:12:00,083 --> 01:12:02,283 Especially from this angle. 1378 01:12:21,372 --> 01:12:22,704 (MUSIC FADES IN) 1379 01:12:22,707 --> 01:12:23,905 (MEN CHEERING) 1380 01:12:25,810 --> 01:12:27,109 ANNOUNCER: You can't buy love, 1381 01:12:27,110 --> 01:12:29,912 but you can rent it for three minutes. 1382 01:12:31,015 --> 01:12:32,081 01:17:09,490 Go on then. 1460 01:17:11,996 --> 01:17:14,997 Thanks, dickless. And I mean you. 1461 01:17:14,998 --> 01:17:18,300 Wow. You're a talker too. You and Wade. 1462 01:17:18,301 --> 01:17:20,135 I've been trying to tell you assholes, 1463 01:17:20,136 --> 01:17:21,536 you've got the wrong girl. 1464 01:17:21,537 --> 01:17:23,238 My old boyfriend, he's dead. 1465 01:17:23,239 --> 01:17:27,009 See, I thought that too. But he keeps on coming back. 1466 01:17:27,011 --> 01:17:28,277 Like a cockroach... 1467 01:17:28,279 --> 01:17:30,545 but uglier. 1468 01:17:30,546 --> 01:17:35,182 Now, I may not feel, but he does. 1469 01:17:35,185 --> 01:17:37,225 Let's see how he fights with your head on the block. 1470 01:17:46,063 --> 01:17:47,529 Ripley, from Alien 3! 1471 01:17:48,164 --> 01:17:50,131 Fuck, you're old. 1472 01:17:50,134 --> 01:17:51,565 01:18:54,229 I tried to hold on tight, Mr. Pool... 1500 01:18:54,230 --> 01:18:58,466 but Bandhu is more craftier and handsomer than me. 1501 01:18:58,469 --> 01:19:00,301 Well, I think you're pretty darn cute. 1502 01:19:02,338 --> 01:19:03,537 (MAN SCREAMS) 1503 01:19:03,539 --> 01:19:04,779 (PUNJABI MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO) 1504 01:19:06,143 --> 01:19:07,708 Doping. Hmm? 1505 01:19:09,113 --> 01:19:10,177 What was that? 1506 01:19:10,747 --> 01:19:12,146 Uh... 1507 01:19:12,149 --> 01:19:17,719 That was Bandhu in the trunk. 1508 01:19:18,389 --> 01:19:20,456 Ban who? 1509 01:19:20,457 --> 01:19:22,524 My romantic rival Bandhu. He's tied up in the trunk. 1510 01:19:22,525 --> 01:19:24,292 I'm doing as you said, DP. 1511 01:19:24,293 --> 01:19:26,293 I plan to gut him like a tandoori fish, 1512 01:19:26,296 --> 01:19:28,195 then dump his carcass on Gita's doorstep. 1513 01:19:29,399 --> 01:19:31,166 I did not tell him to do that. 1514 01:19:31,167 --> 01:19:33,769 Absolutely not. It got lost in translation. 1515 01:19:33,770 --> 01:19:37,171 Dopinder, this is no way to win Gita's heart back! 1516 01:19:37,173 --> 01:19:38,806 (WHISPERS) I'm so proud of you. 1517 01:19:38,807 --> 01:19:40,440 Drop Bandhu off, safe and gentle-like. 1518 01:19:40,444 --> 01:19:41,510 (WHISPERS) Kill him. 1519 01:19:41,511 --> 01:19:43,677 And then, win Gita back... 1520 01:19:43,680 --> 01:19:46,547 the old fashioned way: with your boyish charm. 1521 01:19:46,550 --> 01:19:48,149 DOPINDER: Bandhu? 1543 01:21:04,194 --> 01:21:06,261 DOPINDER: Leave a message and have a happy day. 1544 01:21:06,262 --> 01:21:07,628 God damn it! 1545 01:21:07,631 --> 01:21:09,396 I'm gonna do this the old fashioned way... 1546 01:21:09,399 --> 01:21:12,833 with two swords and maximum effort. 1547 01:21:13,770 --> 01:21:14,869 Cue the music. 1548 01:21:14,872 --> 01:21:17,171 (HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING) 1549 01:21:25,282 --> 01:21:26,581 (MUSIC STOPS) 1550 01:21:30,921 --> 01:21:33,921 FRANCIS: Wade Wilson! 1551 01:21:33,923 --> 01:21:35,657 What's my name? 1552 01:21:35,658 --> 01:21:37,859 Oh, I'mma fuckin' spell it out for ya. 1553 01:21:40,229 --> 01:21:41,363 Go get some. 1554 01:21:41,364 --> 01:21:42,530 Superhero landing. 1555 01:21:42,533 --> 01:21:43,664 She's gonna do a superhero landing. 1556 01:21:43,667 --> 01:21:44,733 Wait for it. 1557 01:21:47,938 --> 01:21:49,237 WADE: Whoo! 1558 01:21:49,238 --> 01:21:50,805 Superhero landing! 1559 01:21:50,806 --> 01:21:52,306 You know, that's really hard on your knees. 1560 01:21:52,309 --> 01:21:54,275 Totally impractical. They all do it. 1561 01:21:54,278 --> 01:21:57,546 You're a lovely lady, but I'm saving myself for Francis. 1562 01:21:57,547 --> 01:21:58,846 That's why I brought him. 1563 01:21:58,849 --> 01:22:02,184 I prefer not to hit a woman, so please... 1564 01:22:03,554 --> 01:22:05,587 (GROANS) 1565 01:22:09,292 --> 01:22:12,394 I mean, that's why I brought her? 1566 01:22:13,796 --> 01:22:15,963 Oh, no, finish your tweet. It's not... That's... 1567 01:22:15,966 --> 01:22:17,666 Just give us a second. Yeah. 1568 01:22:17,667 --> 01:22:19,201 There you go. Hashtag it. 1569 01:22:20,436 --> 01:22:22,369 Go get her, tiger. 1570 01:22:23,539 --> 01:22:25,407 (GROANS) 1571 01:22:28,845 --> 01:22:32,680 Oh, I so pity the dude who pressures her into prom sex. 1572 01:22:33,417 --> 01:22:35,216 All right, then. Fire! 1573 01:22:35,219 --> 01:22:36,650 (GUNS FIRING) 1574 01:22:42,893 --> 01:22:43,958 (GRUNTS) 1575 01:22:46,630 --> 01:22:48,363 Finish fucking her the fuck up! 1576 01:22:48,364 --> 01:22:49,463 Language, please. 1577 01:22:49,466 --> 01:22:50,698 Suck a cock. 1578 01:22:50,701 --> 01:22:52,266 (BOTH GRUNTING) 1579 01:23:16,627 --> 01:23:18,426 Look away, child. 1580 01:23:18,929 --> 01:23:20,462 Look away! 1581 01:23:21,030 --> 01:23:22,529 (SCREAMING) 1582 01:23:27,671 --> 01:23:29,003 WADE: Wait! 1583 01:23:29,006 --> 01:23:30,337 Wait! 1584 01:23:30,340 --> 01:23:31,372 Cease fire! 1585 01:23:31,375 --> 01:23:32,673 Cease fire! 1586 01:23:32,676 --> 01:23:34,309 WADE: Fellas! Hey! Hey! 1587 01:23:35,545 --> 01:23:39,381 You only work for that shit-spackled muppet fart. 1588 01:23:39,382 --> 01:23:41,548 So, I'mma give you a chance 1589 01:23:41,551 --> 01:23:43,417 for y'all to lay down your firearms... 1590 01:23:43,420 --> 01:23:46,488 in exchange for preferential, bordering on gentle... 1591 01:23:46,489 --> 01:23:50,057 possibly even lover-like treatment. 1592 01:23:50,060 --> 01:23:51,893 (GUNS FIRING) 1593 01:23:51,895 --> 01:23:53,060 Fine. 1594 01:23:53,063 --> 01:23:54,362 Commando! 1595 01:23:55,032 --> 01:23:56,597 (GRUNTING) 1596 01:24:02,939 --> 01:24:04,372 (EXHALING) 1597 01:24:04,975 --> 01:24:06,474 (GRUNTING) 1598 01:24:08,545 --> 01:24:09,644 WADE: Don't worry, baby. I'm comin'. 1627 01:26:05,028 --> 01:26:06,560 Fire! 1628 01:26:06,563 --> 01:26:07,828 (GUNS FIRING) 1629 01:26:13,770 --> 01:26:15,537 NEGASONIC TEENAGE WARHEAD: Hey! 1630 01:26:15,538 --> 01:26:16,604 Climb on! 1631 01:26:18,108 --> 01:26:20,175 (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) 1632 01:26:27,716 --> 01:26:28,783 (SCREAMING) 1633 01:26:34,690 --> 01:26:36,190 (GROANING) 1634 01:26:53,577 --> 01:26:55,076 Motherfucking... 1635 01:27:06,489 --> 01:27:08,957 Motherfucker should have worn his brown pants. 1636 01:27:11,728 --> 01:27:12,926 You were right, beautiful. 1637 01:27:13,762 --> 01:27:15,630 Red really is my color. 1638 01:27:16,131 --> 01:27:17,265 Wade? 1639 01:27:17,266 --> 01:27:18,733 Don't worry, baby... 1640 01:27:18,734 --> 01:27:21,135 I'mma get you out of that shit-box. 1641 01:27:21,136 --> 01:27:23,570 What better way to crawl back inside that head of yours? 1642 01:27:23,573 --> 01:27:25,506 Oh, you never left. 1643 01:27:25,509 --> 01:27:27,641 But you did, asshole! 1644 01:27:27,644 --> 01:27:29,077 Ah, deep breath, darling. 1645 01:27:30,646 --> 01:27:31,813 Oh, wait. 1646 01:27:32,849 --> 01:27:34,548 Wrong choice of words. 1647 01:27:35,585 --> 01:27:37,585 (CHOKING) 1648 01:27:37,586 --> 01:27:39,586 I hope they blocked pain to your every last nerve. 1649 01:27:39,588 --> 01:27:40,721 'Cause I'mma go lookin'! 1650 01:27:41,992 --> 01:27:44,626 I hear you grow back body parts now, Wade. 1651 01:27:44,627 --> 01:27:45,726 When I'm finished... 1652 01:27:45,729 --> 01:27:47,628 parts will have to grow back you. 1653 01:27:47,631 --> 01:27:48,796 Good one. 1654 01:27:49,666 --> 01:27:51,599 Yep, that was a good one. 1655 01:27:51,600 --> 01:27:52,667 Let's dance. 1656 01:27:53,904 --> 01:27:55,136 And by dance, I mean... 1657 01:27:55,137 --> 01:27:56,770 let's try to kill each other. 1658 01:27:56,773 --> 01:27:58,105 (GRUNTING) (METAL CLANKING) 1659 01:28:06,149 --> 01:28:07,814 (GASPING) 1660 01:28:07,817 --> 01:28:08,983 (GRUNTING) 1661 01:28:13,890 --> 01:28:14,956 (GROANS) 1662 01:28:33,310 --> 01:28:34,742 (COLOSSUS GROANING) 1663 01:28:38,681 --> 01:28:39,881 (CHOKING) 1664 01:28:50,961 --> 01:28:53,360 Fine. Fists. 1665 01:28:53,363 --> 01:28:55,596 Oh, sounds like your last Saturday night. 1666 01:28:55,599 --> 01:28:56,997 (GRUNTING) 1667 01:29:22,024 --> 01:29:23,358 (GROANING) 1668 01:29:35,639 --> 01:29:36,904 01:31:44,832 Don't worry. I'm totally on top of this. 1684 01:31:49,305 --> 01:31:51,072 (PANTING) 1685 01:31:59,916 --> 01:32:01,948 Ah! Damn it! 1686 01:32:02,786 --> 01:32:05,787 Maximum effort! 1687 01:32:06,922 --> 01:32:08,221 (VANESSA SCREAMS) 1688 01:32:25,007 --> 01:32:26,407 (RUMBLING) 1689 01:32:44,594 --> 01:32:46,027 (GRUNTS) 1690 01:32:48,030 --> 01:32:49,095 Thanks. 1691 01:32:54,037 --> 01:32:55,569 Just take it slow. 1692 01:33:02,278 --> 01:33:03,845 WADE: Yoo-hoo! 1693 01:33:06,082 --> 01:33:08,850 Oh, my God! That was so... 1694 01:33:08,851 --> 01:33:10,016 (GRUNTING) 1695 01:33:36,246 --> 01:33:38,378 (EXHALING HEAVILY) 1696 01:33:38,381 --> 01:33:39,646